Approximately 8 weeks ago I wrote a blog entry about how my 20's were not just hard, but heartbreaking. I am pretty sure God was listening. Because later that week, unbeknownst to me, Jay and I conceived our second child - without the aide of fertility drugs!
I am still in shock. I honestly thought my cycle was being weird because of the holidays and because I have been training hard for a half marathon. Since having my son, it has been so out of whack, I really didn't give it much thought until after Christmas. Then I joked with my husband that I needed to test. Seeing as our son was conceived after 4 years of trying, 4 failed IUI's and finally a successful round of IVF, my being pregnant was not the first thing that came to mind. We were still in Chicago at his Mom's house. I had wanted to wait to test until we got home, but we were snowed in so I thought, hey why not, at least I won't have to worry about it another day and I can resume training. To my BIG surprise, the test was positive. Very positive. I had to look at the box again to make sure I wasn't confusing the "pregnant" line with the control line since it showed up almost immediately. I told Jay to come look. He knew right away it was positive because of the look on my face. The pregnancy was confirmed by ultrasound and a blood test a week later. While some people have said we shouldn't have announced it so early, my thinking is this child is a gift. For however long I am allowed to have this gift, I am going to celebrate it.
Everything about this pregnancy is different. From how this child was conceived to how my body is handling it and everything in between. With Jayden, it started the month before his and his twin's embryos were transferred into me. There were so many ultrasounds. So many shots. So many hormones. Then there was the two week wait. For anyone who is trying to conceive and going through fertility issues, this is the longest two weeks of your life that can happen over and over and over again. Usually leaving you devastated because your period starts. With this child, there was no two week wait. There were no ultrasounds, shots, or hormones (except for the ones my body is producing rapidly). We never expected this to happen due to our form of infertility, but it was always in the back of our minds, the hope that we would be the exception.
I am trying desperately not to be afraid. I am trying to enjoy this pregnancy as much as I can, because it will most likely be my last. But the ending to my last pregnancy weighs heavily on my mind. I have a 40% chance of having another preemie and I do not think my heart can handle that again. I am trying not to focus on it. I know I will be monitored even more closely this time around. I also know that I have done everything I can to reduce my chances of pre-eclampsia. I have lost 70 pounds since having my son and my lifestyle is so different. I know that pre-e is more likely to occur in first time pregnancies as well as pregnancies that are conceived via IVF. Neither of which this one is. But my mind is still filled with the images of my child struggling to live his first few weeks of life. I am choosing to believe that it won't happen again. You see, I am 30 now. All the heartbreaking stuff was in my 20's. Yes, the second time around will be amazingly different.
